I have always been a keeper of secrets. Not by choice. And… Many not my own.
Over the years, I’ve slowly started to let my secrets out. None are earth shattering. (At least, not for me.) The problem has been… Most of my secrets are tied to secrets other people want (or demand) I keep.
Meaning… As for as long as I (or they) live, I’ll never be free.
One of my secrets… Which I’ve hinted at a lot… But never fully detailed is how extremely unhealthy the relationship & interaction with my mother is. (And, my father was.) They both have/had patterns of emotional & verbal abuse.
So that when I talk about my stress related to Mother, it’s not simply mother/daughter dynamics that come into play. It’s much more than that. She literally frightens me.
I don’t show my fear. I stand my ground. However, I live in a constant state of never feeling safe.
She is now in the process of moving. She has to be out by next Tuesday at noon. I’ve been driving back & forth to help her during the day. Little gets accomplished. She fights me on everything. And the toll it’s taking on me physically & emotionally (due to her deteriorating state) makes me concerned for myself.
I will continue to travel until Monday. Knowing (from experience) the price I will be forced to pay. That when it’s over, I’ll feel broken. And, have to spend a good amount of time piecing myself together again.
So… No matter what does (or does not) come out of me in the upcoming week… I’ll be back. I’ll be alright. I’ve dealt with this most of my life. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now, I can live through another week.
But during this time… my outlook & overall emotional state may tend towards the bleak.