I spend about 70-80% of my time stressed & overwhelmed.
(An estimate, of course. Since despite my long term OCD tendencies it never occurred to me before this moment to track the time I spend in negative states. Maybe I’ll put that on a list titled, “Another day…”)
Outwardly, I normally appear calm – and somewhat collected,
Which isn’t an illusion or deception I’m trying to sell.
Moments of peace, joy, gratitude & happiness spring forth like butterflies from a well. (Only all too quickly to dispel.)
But never do positive emotions grace me when I’m stuck deep in thought. Trapped in my mind. All that’s good & beautiful in the world & my life becomes lost.
I used to think of my mind as the seat of my power – much to my ego’s delight. Until one day (or more like a series of days over a long period of time), I realized that instead of helping me,
My mind was potentially the most destructive force in my life.
The brain, a natural storyteller designed to fill in blanks and keep us safe… Creates fact from fiction. Looks for what it wants to see. Manifests endless excuses. And more…
All to keep us stuck where we are because it wants stagnation, complacency, the status quo – all of which represent it’s beloved comfort zone.
So, as sad as it makes me… As much as I want to resist (what’s a scientifically proven fact),
I’ve had to accept that my brain has it’s own self serving agenda – and it’s not aligned with what’s best for myself.
What I think I know… The certainty of my beliefs represent nothing more than a carefully crafted mirage to satisfy & soothe my overreactive, hypersensitive mind.
As big as this obstacle is…
I must conquer it to move forward. To improve myself & my life.
Knowing the problem’s half the battle – especially since we’re all too resistance to admit we can’t trust our own minds.
I understand what needs to be done. I’m unsure yet of how. For even if I succeed in moments, a long term, sustainable, ever present solution is required (which makes me feel like I’m searching for a golden cow.)
For now, I work on awareness. Notice what thoughts come & go. What automatically replays. The stories I create. And, the emotions that inevitably ensue…
I repeat to myself…
What if I am wrong? (About what I think or believe?)
How might the truth (or an alternate story) change things?
How am I biased (which I undoubtably am)?
How is my mind holding me back?
What would change if I shifted just one little belief or thought?
The brain filters, distorts & eliminates things it doesn’t want to hear or see, which includes everything that doesn’t align with it’s ultimate goal of supporting it’s deepest beliefs, expectations & primal needs.
This I hold on to – even while my brain rebels. Refusing to believe…
Our thoughts, beliefs & perception of reality are figments of our imagination. An illusion we’re constantly living in but cannot tell.
And… If we don’t find a way out of it, we’ll never fully be in control of ourselves.