I’ve been going through a mini crisis of sorts,
Which began in the middle of last week.

A series of things,
Fairly inconsequential independently,
Upset my balance,
Negatively affected my mood –

And, halted forward progress.

Since then I’ve been in a deeply reflective
And somewhat more overwhelmed state
Than I usually am.

Here’s what bothers me most about my clutter –

I feel
I believe
I know

That it’s an external representation
Of my internal state.

In life I seek calm.
I seek a quiet internal order,

Which continually alludes me.

If I didn’t understand or believe
In the correlation between the two,

My attitude towards clutter
Might be more relaxed.

Instead, I feel when things are in disarray,
As they are now,

I am in disarray.

It leaves me understanding…

To get a hold of myself,
First I need to get a hold of my environment.

My failure to do so,
Represents a mental & physical failure on my part.

To some degree,
I know this is not entirely accurate.

For example –

The more writing I do,
The messier my environment becomes.

The more productive I become,
In terms of non-house related things,
The messier my environment becomes.

It’s as if I can
Keep my environment in order & clean.

Or, I can get other work done.

I simply haven’t found a way
To be productive –
And, keep my environment tidy.

This creates a huge internal debate.

On one hand,
I consider my writing more important.

On the other hand,
I feel that I might be more creative,
(I’d definitely feel better & more energized)

If my environment were in order.

Leaving me torn.

Write?
Or…

Organize?
And clean?

As I’ve mentioned before,
I can only think of two things
That might help resolve this conflict & problem.

  1. Get rid of a lot of stuff.
  2. Create & put into place better systems

I theorize that by doing just that
It will be easier for me to keep things straight.

I’ll become less overwhelmed.

As my stress & overwhelm plummet,
I’ll actually have more energy & desire
To keep everything neat –

While also getting lots of writing
(And other stuff) done.

Now, I’m just stuck still trying to decide
Where to start.

And…
When to schedule it into my day.

Once I decide those two things,
I’ll be back on my way.

 

christie
Learning obsessed. Growth focused. Wisdom seeking. Recovering perfectionist. In eternal struggle to tame obsessive compulsive tendencies.

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